Happy Heavenly Birthday

This year, my first daughter’s second birth and death anniversary fell on Mother’s Day. As excited as I was to be able to celebrate a Mother’s day with a living child for the first time since both of my losses, the grief felt too heavy to carry. I froze and it was hard to celebrate motherhood. A sense of guilt showered over me making it difficult to be present with my living child which caused even more guilt. Parenting after loss is complicated; celebrating life while grieving is complicated. As a result, I didn’t write to Angelis as I wanted to. I didn’t let the balloon go as I did last year. It all felt too hard and too much but not doing these traditions to honor her also made me feel worse; like I wasn’t acknowledging her or her life. Today, I am dedicating this post to her.

Oh my sweet Angelis, you made me a mother first and losing you has been the biggest pain I have ever experienced. I’ve blocked my mind from wondering all of the “what if’s” because imagining who you would have been is just too painful. I so badly wish the first day I met you wasn’t my last time seeing you, holding you, kissing you and embracing all of you. Finding out I was pregnant for the first time ever was so scary and exciting at the same time. When I told your aunt and grandma that I was pregnant they were so excited and cried tears of joy. I couldn’t begin to picture motherhood and parenting you but I was looking forward to it. However, in less than four months of carrying you, life changed. When my third ultrasound with you was filled with intense silence, I knew something was not right but I was not prepared to hear “ you should terminate your pregnancy”. That day still haunts me. I remember begging God to prove these doctors wrong but every test kept saying the same things “abnormal growth, chromosomal abnormality, not growing right, fluid in the brain, no life…” it all sounded so unreal. We were left to make the biggest and most painful decision we ever had to make, out of love and respect for you and your life. I had to make peace with that decision because I knew I had done all I could have and the one thing I wanted to do the most, make all of those diagnosis go away, I couldn’t. I felt so self-fish for wanting to continue my pregnancy regardless of what happened in the end but I couldn’t bring myself to put you or us through even more pain. I was given options, go under and perform a D&C or vaginally deliver you. I chose to see you, hold you despite of how the doctors said you might look. I was terrified to see you and be only left with scarring memories but the opposite was true; you were the most beautiful baby girl. I could see some of my features and some of your dads. I didn’t want to let you go. I miss you everyday. I miss your little brother, who is in heaven with you everyday. I will make sure you and your brothers memory live on for a lifetime. I will make sure Amarie knows who both of you are and how much you both impacted my life. I love you my sweet angel. Thank you for giving strength and being our guardian angel. May you have the best birthday in heaven <3